How to Survive Hogwarts
by Tenshi Gureibusu
Summary: This is a guide/list on how to survive your years as a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Sorcery. Please read! Rated T for some slightly bad language.
1. Rules 1 through 25

A.N: Hello everyone! I hope you enjoy this "story". I got the idea from reading a "How to Survive a Horror Movie" list.

*Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor will I ever own Harry Potter. I can only wish and dream.*

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><p>1. Never sit near Ron and Hermione during mealtimes, unless your Harry Potter.<p>

2. Never sit in front of Ron at meal times. Unless you actually like to wear partially chewed food.

3. Stay as far away from Peeves as possible. Unless you wish to enlist his help with any pranks or other similar stuff.

4. Don't do anything to catch Snape's attention. The less he notices you, the better.

5. Never become the Defense Against The Dark Arts (DADA) professor. Most professors meet horrendous fates.

6. Never give Fred and/or George Weasley a "Do Not Do" List. They will do each and every item on that list.

7. No matter how much he asks, never _ever_, help Hagrid with one of his "pets".

8. If you do ever help with his pets, stay away from the ones with cute or normal names, like "Fluffy" or "Norbert". Ones with names like "Fang" or "Buckbeak" are okay.

9. Take anything the Weasley twins say with a grain of salt. They could be trying to prank you. Be careful with any information gained from them.

10. Never accept food from a Weasley twin. Same may also apply to anything they try to hand you.

11. When Fred and George have their heads together and they seem to be plotting or scheming, run. Run fast, run far and find a good hiding place. Lee Jordan should also be given the same caution.

12. When a Gryffindor and a Slytherin meet (i.e. run into each other) in the hall way, run in the opposite direction. Even if it makes you late for class. Being late will be better for your health.

13. Stay away from the Forbidden Forest, its forbidden for a reason!

14. Never anger Harry Potter. That boy has a wicked temper.

15. Don't call Professor McGonagoll "Minnie".

16. Never talk about House Elves with Hermione. She will most likely lecture you for several hours then try to get you to join S.P.E.W.

17. _DON'T_ follow the spiders. Ignore the spiders. Follow the butterflies instead.

18. Never tell Hagrid any life threatening secrets. He'll probably get drunk and blab to everyone in Hogsmeade.

19. Centaurs speak in riddles, getting a straight answer from them is near impossible. Learn how to speak in riddles. Learning how to solve riddles might be a good idea too.

20. Never whisper something to someone when in the presence of Moaning Myrtle. She will assume you are talking about her and are picking on her.

21. Never try to free the Hogwarts House Elves. They like working. Dobby is merely an oddball.

22. Beware the twinkle! Beware it!*

23. Don't look Professor Snape in the eyes, he may use Legillimency on you.

24. 2Stay away from the Whomping Willow, you will get hurt. Unless you know the way to subdue the tree.

25. Don't get a detention with the evil professors that will be teaching at Hogwarts through out the years. (Ex. Umbridge {more commonly known as Umbitch} and the Carrows {Alecto and Amycus}.

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><p>*Does anyone else hate that god forsaken twinkle or am I the only one?<p>

A.N: Well there you go! Hope you liked it. I'm not sure whether or not I should add more to this. Review or PM me if I should. Please review! All reviews accepted, but flames may be ignored or used for bonfires. Thank you!


	2. Rules 26 through 50

A.N: Ok, I know it's been awhile, but I think I have worked the courage up to add more to the list. Here goes...something..nothing...? Eh, enjoy! And please remember, I'm writing these down mostly for **_my_ **enjoyment.

*Disclaimer: I _**DO NOT **_own Harry Potter or any related characters or people mentioned. I am merely using them to entertain my bored self. Thank you.*

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><p>26. Don't drink any potions Neville Longbottom brewed. Seriously, the kid could burn, poison and blow up <strong><em>water<em>**!

27. Try to avoid Deathday Parties. Unless it's your own. In which case, congratulations! I think?

28. Making friends with the main characters/being a main character is a..._bad_ idea. (Especially if you're disposable.)

29. Don't bring electronics. Unless you're me and/or fond of sparks, fireworks, e_x_plosions etc. (Or if there is some**_ convenient_ **spell allowing electronics to work, or something.)

30. Dragons are a no no topic, especially with Charlie Weasley and Hagrid.

31. Dragons are a no no, in any way or matter.

32. If you are a Slytherin, stay away from Gryffindors. Seriously, how often do you want to stay in the Hospital Wing? Or at St. Mungo's?

33. If you are a Gryffindor, stay away from Slytherins. Again, Hospital Wing or St. Mungo's?

34. If you are a Hufflepuff or a Ravenclaw, then congratulations. You are in what could be called one of the safest Houses at Hogwarts. Although the safest you could be would be in a different school, but that's just my opinion.

35. Don't fall asleep in public areas, such as: common rooms, the Library, the Great Hall, hallways, etc. This could result in any number of things, usually pranks.

36. No matter how fun it may seem, do not go swimming in the lake before spring. Unless you happen to like freezing water, hypothermia, illness, etc.

37. When passing notes in class, be discrete and make sure it gets to the right person. If there is the slimmest chance of the Twins, a Slytherin, a teacher or some other undesireable getting it, then passing the note would be a bad idea. Especially if you like conversations staying secret.

38. "Secret Corriders" and other hidden things are potentially dangerous and better left to teachers, the Twins or the Golden Trio.

39. Hang out in the Herbology classroom, it's possibly _**the**_ safest place in Hogwarts.

40. Going home every holiday is suggested. Heavily suggested. Highly suggested. In fact, it's a requirement. GO HOME!

41. Large animals are better left alone, ask Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Fluer Delacour, Viktor Krum, and various other Hogwarts students, alumni and teachers.

42. Slytherin/Gryffindor Quidditch matches...Stay away from them!

43. Do not join the Slytherin/Gryffindor Quidditch team, unless you are masochistic.

44. Do NOT eat Hagrid's cooking. Also, keep his rock cakes and other cooking as potential weapons. Dangerous **and **nobody would suspect them!

45. Memorise the location of the second floor girl's bathroom. Once you have the location memorized, avoid like you'd avoid the plague.

46. Politics is a no no topic. _**ALWAYS.**_

47. If you see something interesting/fascinating or a Slytherin/Gryffindor making a scene, _run._

48. Muggle fighting is a perfect skill to have. Any type of muggle fighting. Make a habit of carrying muggle weapons as well.

49. Turning your classmates' pets and Hagrid's..."pets"...into attack animals is a very good idea. (Note to self: tame my Monster Book of Monsters  and turn it into an attack book, then carry it everywhere.)

50. _ALWAYS_ have an escape route, having several is a good idea. Devote at least an hour every day to finding/making new escape routes in every room.

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><p>A.N: CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Ok, some of these seem stupid to me, but whatever, it's my story. Enjoy! Ja Ne~<p> 


	3. Rules 51 through 75

A.N: Well, seeing as people are actually reading this (and I somehow managed to actually think up more) I'll add more to this story. Just a heads up, don't get too used to me updating. It will be sporadic at best. Plus, I'm thinking of saying that this list is complete. BTW, if anyone has any ideas, feel free to shoot them at me. Once again, note that I'm writing this for myself. Thanks, and please enjoy!

(P.S: Ruby, dahling, that's what the beware the twinkle rule is for. And I find Lupin trustworthy. But I can add it if you truly want it. Just let me know, ok?)

*Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any related merchandise, I simply like playing make believe. So, no sue me, por favor?*

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><p>51. Professors at Hogwarts may be "Masters" in their chosen fields, but they have little to no common sense. If you want something done, go to Harry and sic him on it. It'll be done by the end of the year.<p>

52. In accordance with rule number 4, making jokes, playing pranks or even just talking about Snape's resemblance of a bat is a _**bad** _idea. DON'T DO IT!

53. Barney is NOT to be showed to the Purebloods. This will only cause an increase in Hospital Wing patients and hatred of Muggles. Same goes for Teletubbies and other such Devil's Spawn. Seriously, that shit's pure **_EVIL_**, even Voldemort's not that evil.

54. Any potions (but especially Neville's) are NOT to be set on fire. Even if you want to see the pretty explosions.

55. Charming any type of vampire hunter action figures (read: Buffy the Vampire Slayer) to hunt down Snape is a BAD IDEA.

56. Magic Eightballs and other such Muggle devices are NOT to be brought to class and used as Divination tools. Especially because Trelawny will  believe that is what they are, Divination tools she hadn't "Seen".

57. Any resemblances between Professors, classmates, magical creatures, etc. to Lord of the Rings characters are purely coincidental, and stalking said person/thing is...well, a stupid idea, not to mention likely to get you killed.

58. Telling Professors, Slytherins and Gryffindors that they take themselves to seriously is a one way ticket to detention and the Hospital Wing.

59. If you value your life, you _**WILL NOT**_ provide Hagride with pets or ideas for pets. Examples of such are: demons, ents, daleks, tribbles, etc.

60. Singing songs from AVPM and AVPS, while hilarious and fun, is likely to earn you confused looks, hatred and several other horrible things. (i.e. beatings, detentions, etc.)

61. Gryffindor Courage, Slytherin Swag, Hufflepuff Hotness and/or Ravenclaw Smarts **_does not_ ** come in bottles of liquor, bottles of any liquid, pills, or powder. Claiming such and attempting to sell illegal items (cocaine, marijuana, alchohol, etc.) is illegal and could lead to detentions and prison time.

62. Some charms aren't to be used on parts of human anatomy. Such as the Engorgio, Reducio or Reducto.

63. Refering to Professors as anything but their given names and Professor is an idea that should be approached with **_extreme_** caution. Examples of such names are: Sevvie- poo, Pussycat, Yoda, Minnie, Gandalf, Babe, etc.

64. Telling Professors, Slytherins and Gryffindors that they need to get a life is another one way ticket to detention and the Hospital Wing, and possibly the graveyard, depending on who you say it to.

65. Giving the Weasley Twins pranking ideas is not only a bad idea, but could also earn you the hatred of most, if not the whole school.

66. Muggle fantasy books are not Wizard history books, and attempts to put them in the History section of the library is a no no.

67. Telling Trelawney that you had visions of her death or her killing the Dark Lord, while funny, is not a good idea. (Although Harry and most others who had her horrible class will probably thank you. Who knows?)

68. Putting slugs in Ron's food is mean. When you do it, dont't get caught and blame it on the Twins.

69. Hufflepuff's are NOT duffers and calling one that to their face will earn you the hatred of the whole House. And numerous Hospital Wing visits.

70. You are NOT sneakier or more cunning than a Slytherin and attempts to prove you are will end badly.

71. Professor Umbridge is not the Wicked Witch of the West, and attempting to get rid of her in the same way will result in detention, suspension, expulsion and imprisonment.

72. Using spells (Silencio, etc.) on Professors, Prefects and Headboys/girls is a bad idea. Especially if you're caught.

73. "In accordance to the prophecy" or anything like that is not to be said, anywhere or anytime.

74. If a spell makes you laugh for a period of time longer then 15 seconds, it is to be given to an authority figure and banished from all thought. Giving such spells to the Twins/Peeves is strictly forbidden.

75. Casting spells and shouting Muggle catch phrases (I GOT THE POWER!, To the Batmobile, Robin!, etc.) is inappropiate and likely to cause a number of bad things.

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><p>A.N: Phew! Almost didn't make it to 75! I <em><strong> really<strong>_ need help with ideas. Some of these seemed a little bleh to me, but whatever, they're mine and I liked writing them. Please read and review. Ja Ne~!


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